Hipsters Steal my Money

New York City is one of the greatest and most exciting places in the world. So, it can get a little pricey living out here in the concrete jungle. Inevitably, every once in a while you'll see a person living down and out- and by once in a while, I mean every fifteen minutes. The only problem is, you can never tell the difference between an authentic bum and a smelly hipster. So I urge you, DO NOT GIVE THEM MONEY. Now, I know I might sound like a douche bag for writing this, but allow me to enlighten you simple bastards.

The other day I saw a young person, probably in his twenties, begging for change in the train station. He seemed like the real deal: clothes torn up and dirty, wearing a jacket in 90 degree weather, and carrying a stench like a horny hippo. So I decided to do a good deed and toss him two pennies or so. I admit, I felt like Jesus. A couple days later I saw the same guy walking around with a whole new set of clothes, an earring, a smartphone. I confronted him: 

-"Hey man, I thought you were homeless."

-"Sorry man, you have your job. I have mine." 

I was seething.

-"Give me back my two cents!"

He never did. He just kept on keeping on.

But there was something in what he said that made me think; he had a job. Could pan-handling really pay that well? Naturally, like any bored as fuck college student, I decided to examine this occupation instead of reading Marx's Capital. And I came up with some astonishing results.

Now, imagine you wake up at around 6 A.M. and get ready to go to work. However, you don't put on your regular collared, button down shirt and tie, but pick out the ugliest rags you have, rub them in dirt and lay in a dumpster for about a half hour or so. Then you head to the nearest train station and pay your $2.25. You are now ready to start your work day.

You board the first train at 7 A.M. and walk around asking for change. You have a reasonably good shot of averaging somewhere between 50 cents to a dollar for each cart you ride. For emphasis' sake, let's say you get scrape up a dollar for each cart. There are 10 carts to a train,so you just earned 10 dollars. And you have a good shot of boarding and working two more trains within that same hour. You have a good shot of making $30/hour. Let's say you work until 5 o'clock and take an hour for your lunch break:

7-5 = 10 hour work shift minus one hour for lunch. 

9 hours multiplied by 30= $270.00. Not bad for a days work of riding the train, huh?

If you work a full five day week, you've earned $1,350 of non-taxable cash. 

Just minus $11.25 for the train riding expenses.

Now I know you're probably thinking, well, they really probably only get 50 cents per cart. Sure, just cut that figure in half. They're still getting $675 bucks, which is 15 dollars an hour for doing a hell of a lot less than your broke ass does at Starbucks, or wherever the hell it is that you're working at. 

So, next time you see one of these seemingly homeless people on the train, give them a brochure for a nearby shelter. Or, a bar of soap. Chances are, they may be doing better than you.